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Well since my last update I have been doing a lot better. I haven't been worrying about things as much and I started taking some antidepressints about a week ago. They started to take effect and I woke up today feeling happy and refreshed and ready to go to rachels doctors apointments. We went to the first two without any problems really and then we get to the third one. Rachel comes out and tells me that the doctor doesn't really know what's wrong with her an that it could be a million different things including life threatening things. I can't handle that. I cannot lose her. She is everything to me. I honestly wouldn't have anything if it wasn't for her. When my dad went into the hospital she was the person who kept me sane. If she goes into the hospital what am I going to do? Who am I going to turn to? She is the only girl I have ever loved and I can't handle not having her in my life.

Before, I cared about an astroid destroying earth or tornadoes killing me or even solar flares scorching the earth. Now? I honestly don't care. The only thing I care about now is Rachel. I will honestly just give up life if I ever lost her. I really wouldn't have anything left for me here. I would have nothing and I would be nothing. I can't even eat or sleep right now. When I wake her up at 10 I am going to tell her how I feel. There is no point in keeping it inside is there?

Please god let her be ok. Please don't let her have a life threatening illness. Please, I would give up my life to save hers and I really couldn't live without her.

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And so it continues. . .

I think I've been in somewhat better spirits as of late. Well I wouldn't really say that. However I have been keeping my mind off things. It snowed a lot. Like 5 inches, it's supposed to snow again on friday and then again on Sunday. Rachel is off work tomorrow and Friday. I think we are going to go to the mall on one of those days and walk around. It will be nice to get out of the house that's for sure.

I have also been on a diet lately. I've only had a couple sodas in the last 3-4 weeks. I've been drinking tea with splenda only. Been eating healthier as well. Been eating lots more fiber and taking a fiber supplement to. I'm trying to get my body clean and mind clean. It's going to be a hard long process but I believe I can do it!

The other night I got drunk, which helped me take my mind off things. I remember drinking then I remember finding some music to listen to. Next thing i new I was passed out. I woke up a few hours later in the same exact place that I passed out in. With the music still on. I don't even think I made it past the first song.

I think the one thing that's helping me deal with this stuff is the fact that the experts who know about this aren't worried about it. I'm still learning and it's the "fear of the unknown" they all think this stuff is normal so I guess it is. It's all happened before and nothing has happened so I have that as comfort.

I hope things get better and I hope I have a good worry free weekend.

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The will to die. . .

I feel like I am just waiting to die. There's nothing I can do about it. It's just a waiting game. How ever slow that process is everything else just doesn't matter. I try and focus on other things and tell myself it isn't going to happen. But nothing helps. I feel like I am seriously going to die and I'm just waiting for it to happen.

How do I stay occupied so I don't worry about this? What kind of help can I get that doesnt require me to be admitted to the loony bin. I would be reluctent to get any kind of help just because I think they will commit me. That is something I honestly don't feel I need. Maybe I just need medication. Or maybe even just someone to talk to.

I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any.

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Am I normal or abnormal?. . .

99% of the time I am completely normal. I go through my day being happy and content with the way things are going. Then, I get days like today where I just feel like the whole world is crashing down on me. It becomes a bit to much to handle. When I have these days I take klonopin which do help me quiet a bit. But when I take klonopin they make me relax and open up and I need some one to talk to. Not exactly about what's bothering me. But random stupd things like movies and games. The problem with this however is that I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. So I bottle it up and just worry more. I'm not sure how to fix this. Although I think if I actually talked to a professional about this it would really help. Maybe they could cure me of my problems without the need for medication. I just don't have any insurence and wouldn't know where to begin finding free help.

If you stumble across this journal and read this and have any kind of advice for me I would love to hear it. Because I'm at a loss for how to control it or fix it.

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Winter update...

Well it's been awhile since my last update. Not to much has changed, Christmas has come and gone. It was fun, not much happened. But atleast I was alive and enjoying the day with Rachel and my mom. Call of duty: modern warfare 2 came out in November and it's awesome. I pretty much put halo on the back shelf for it.

Ummmm let's see, shows are still on and awesome. Chuck came back on last week and 24 comes back on tomorrow night. Hopefully this season is awesome.

We got some snow last week, we ended up with around 3 and a Half inches. Saw Avatar yesterday in 3D it was great and it has taken the place of my fav movie of all time!

I don't have much plans for the foreseeable future soooo I'm just going to enjoy winter and life.

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Fall has arrived. . .

Fall has arrived, it's a welcomed time of year I must say. I love Halloween. I love hoodie weather. Over the last few years the ghost hunters Halloween special has been a part of my fall tradition. Sadly this year they aren't doing one. Another great thing about fall is the TV shows. All my favorite TV shows are back on. It really is a good time of year, I can't wait to wear my new hoodie. Things have been going pretty well lately, been slow but slow is a good thing. The new Halo game came out. It's really good. Me and Rachel have been getting along well. All round things could be better buy im happy with where they are.

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Long time no update

Well it has been awhile since I last updated. Things have been going good. Well they have been going good aside from a hicup here or there. Mom was in the hospital last week for About a Week and a Half. She's home now though which is a good thing. There isn't any weather to worry about. The solar weather however is starting to kick up again I think I am starting to play that stuff up back in my head because there hasn't been anything to worry about. I wonder why I do that. I wonder why when nothing is wrong i try to create something to worry about.

Aside from that, me and Rachel have been getting along fairly well we went to the fair this past Friday. It was a good time. We saw a lot of nifty stuff and we ate ourselves through the fair.

Other then that, we been watching our tv shows and having a good time. I hope it continues. Now that I have an iPhone with an LJ app. I don't have those limit restrictions that I did with the txtlj thingie.

I guess that's all for now. I gotta do the dishes soon and fix dinner later.



well my fear of storms has blossomed into a fear of everything. I believe im going insane.
been awhile since i posted. Things are good. Its getting to the dryer time of year thats good!

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March 2010